Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Sentimentality or Depression or Just a Bad Dream?

This was my question this morning when I saw Dad. He seemed a bit down as I was set to leave for an appointment at the parlor. I sat down beside him and asked what was wrong. And he started to cry....

I knew right away that he had had a bad dream. I asked him and he said yes. I asked him what it was about (although I had an inkling of course), and he refused to say what it was. As I sat with him, trying to draw something out of him, he whispered something. I brought my ear to his mouth and asked him to repeat it. He said, "Goodbye" to me. And Dad started crying again.

I think I know Dad well enough that I didn't panic or get scared about what he said. Apparently, he *had* a bad dream again about him dying. Dying, passing, expiring. They all mean the same thing eh? And I told him that he probably had that dream last night because he wasn't able to pray; the kids did go to his room to pray with him (I'm there to supervise, hehehe) and he told them that he wasn't about to sleep yet. So I guess he forgot to pray before he drifted off to sleep?

Anyway, I told him that I was going to research on the internet about what these dreams of his mean. Death, dying...I'm sure there are meanings out there.


Remember Dad's black fingernail? Well, it fell off. The nurse and the caregiver couldn't find it; we figure it fell in the sink when Dad was brushing his teeth. Why am I bringing this up? Well for lack of a better comparison when talking to Dad, I latched on to his black, dead fingernail which was now a grossly-surfaced PINK nail. Or is that the underbed of the nail?

Anyway, I told him that MAYBE he should equate his dream to that of his nail falling off. Finally. To take it to mean that his old life --- his weakened state, his refusal to use his voice, etc--- was finally going to be replaced with the positive, the NEW. That this could be a turning point in his life where he was going to be strong mentally to be able to overcome the effects of the stroke on his body and mind.

I think---I HOPE---that something of what I said did enter his mind. I felt so bad for Dad. Knowing him, he was deathly scared of his dream. Again, I assured him that I was going to find out what his dreams meant.

We finally got him to bed; I knew he was tired mentally because of everything that we'd talked about. Before I said bye to him again, he mentioned that he wanted to talk to Mom. I told him ok, but that I wanted him to rest first (and take a shower) before he talked to Mom. I asked him what he wanted to tell Mom out of curiosity and he said, "I want to tell her goodbye" and he started crying again.

So we went through the whole gamut of our previous discussion again. Mike the Nurse and R.E the caregiver were all agog at everything that was happening, hehehe. I later told them that part of their job was to make Dad feel good about himself and what he was doing. That Dad having negative feelings about himself would definitely not help him improve his state of mind and body.

So again, with the reassurance that I'd find an answer for him, he finally fell asleep. And I went to the parlor. Of course, I couldn't stay for very long.....and it was good I was a little bit late because 3 people attended to me at once: the hairdresser, the manicurist and the pedicurist. In less than an hour, I had a haircut with shampoo and blow dry, a manicure (french tip) and a foot spa and pedicure. I *was* going to pass by the grocery to buy some much needed things but I figure I better get my arse back home to see what was up with Dad.

I get home to find him in the kitchen, eating lunch. Mike and RE happily reported that Dad was FINE after his nap. I asked Dad how he was feeling and he looked up and smiled this beautiful, rested smile :) He said thank you to me and started to eat as if nothing had happened. Hehehe.


Dad's PT was incredible today. I left the rehab place early though, to meet Bric and Mila at the pediatrician's clinic. So Dad was left with his troop of boys at the rehab clinic. When I was done with Bric and was on the way home, Aguila phoned.

Before I could ask any questions, Aguila burst out with the news that Dad did really really REALLY well at PT. Each session of PT ends with Dad doing some walking, with the aid of his walker, from the beams to the reception area or the door to the clinic.

Today, Aguila happily and ecstatically reported, Dad walked. WALKED. As in by HIMSELF!!! I could hear the excitement in his voice, and it was contagious. When I got home, I waited for Dad. The car came in not 5 minutes later.

I waited for Dad to go up the stairs and started shouting and hugging him. He had this HUGE GRIN on his face. He KNEW why I was so excited. Oca, Aguila, Mike and RE were all smiling and SO happy for Dad. It was just an amazing moment. Really!

Now Mom, if you're reading this, try and forget about it. I asked Dad if he wanted to call you and tell you about this major accomplishment of his or keep it as a surprise. He thought about it, held my hand, looked at me and said "I think I want this to be a surprise." All said with a huge smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye. We're getting Dad back!!! WHoohoohoo!!!

So for those of you in Polaris reading my blog, NOT A WORD to Mom for now since she doesn't read my blog anyway (hmp!). Hehehe. Ok?


I did some research and this is what I found:
To dream of your own death, indicates a transitional phase in your life. You are becoming more enlightened or spiritual. Alternatively, you are trying desperately to escape the demands of your daily life.

To dream that you die in your dream, symbolizes inner changes, transformation, self-discovery and positive development that is happening within you or in your life. Although such a dreams may bring about feelings of fear and anxiety, it is no cause for alarm and is often considered a positive symbol. Dreams of experiencing your own death usually means that big changes are ahead for you. You are moving on to new beginnings and leaving the past behind. These changes does not necessarily imply a negative turn of events. Metaphorically, dying can be seen as an end or a termination to your old ways and habits. So, dying does not always mean a physical death, but an ending of something.

On a negative note, to dream that you die may represent involvement in deeply painful relationships or unhealthy, destructive behaviors. You may feeling depressed or feel strangled by a situation or person in your waking life. Perhaps your mind is preoccupied with someone who is terminally ill or dying. Alternatively, you may be trying to get out of some obligation, responsibility or other situation.

Not a bad thing, after all eh? Gotta show this to Dad tomorrow morning.

Now just so this won't be another boring picture-less post, here are some scraps of our East Coast trip :)

1 comment:

Olivia said...

this post kinda started out sad with Daddy getting senti again... but ended on a happy and inspiring note (Thank God! hehehe...). Can't wait to see Dad WALKING again, hopefully without the walker anymore when we get home... soon!!!